好人难做

我想做好人
但事与愿违
总值有别的事挑战你做好人的决心，毅力，耐性，与脾气。。。

但偏偏又做不了坏人
没有做坏人的勇气
做错事又容易内疚
真是不懂那些贪心鬼，自私鬼，是怎么欺负人又不会觉得自己犯错了？
该羡慕他们吗？

No。。。
No。。。
No。。。
要相信善有善报
恶有恶报
不是不报
只是时候未到。

PBL-problems based life

What's life?
My house mate says life is difficult.
My clinical partner says life is complicated.
And i say life is...problems...and lots of problems...

Life is about money $$$$
Recently because of some misunderstanding between me and my sponsor, i would only be able to get my allowances for this month 28days later. And how am i going to survive for this month? Everything needs money. Food needs money, rent needs money, traveling needs money... And i have just planned to go Italy with my friends in Christmas. And after that, i planned to go Aviemore skiing with the other group of friends. And in this month, i have to spend a bit extra for holidays and buying Christmas present for friends. Luckily, i didnt overspend for the last few months and i'm now using the money carefully so that my bank account wont be overdraft. Now i know why people can get stress up when they dont have $$$$.
有钱不是万能，但没有钱真的万万不能啊！

Life is about study....
I was so slack for the first few months and now when i started to get serios with my studies and i noticed.... I~ actually~ have~ so~ much~ to~ study~.
I cant blame anyone for that as i started it late and probably my aim is too high that i would like to cover as much as possible but i couldnt finish it within a month before my exam starts. So now what can i do? Slowly digest... Slowly memorize but not to miss a sinlge point... It's hard as it requires discipline and the greatest enemy of my discipline will be my sleeping bug... Winter is around the corner and my brain is so used to going to bed a couple of hours after sun set... But now the sky is getting darker earlier and becoming bright later in the morning. And i would just like to lie down on my bed and refuse to wake up... especially during weekends...
However, i still need to work hard, i am pushing myself to study... push hard... and work hard... I cant let my parents down... I can let myself down...

Life is about friends and family
December is an exciting month as my friends would come over to visit me and at the same time i am going to visit them... These are friends that we have not seen each other for ages... And i have just noticed that on the day my good friend arriving Preston, i would have to see my mentor on the same day... But nevermind, i would have some other friend that could take care of him...
But, my mum told me that my grandparents came to visit her all the way from Penang. And i wish they could come and visit me as well, not only my grandparents, but also my parents and my brothers... We used to spend time everyday when i was young, but even if when i am in college or university, i would still go home on weekend to spend time with them...
But now, regardless of weekdays or weekends, we could only talk to each other through the internet.
I miss the time we have dinner together, i miss the time we go shopping together, i miss the time we sing together, i miss the time we have fun together...

When one goes away, the other one would come. 一波未平，一波又起。How to solve all at the same time? And everyone copes with it differently. And my way of coping is... to blog... to write it out... Not expecting to have a solution yet...
But at least, i would feel better...

Miss Silver, happy belated birthday!!!

This post is dedicated to my childhood friend, or maybe not really childhood, i was already in primary school when i knew her. It's her birthday on 25h nov, and i have forgotten her birthday once which made me super guilty and now i'll keep that in my mind.

I have just called her this morning and i was very happy that she still remembers me( so touched...) She could recognize my voice without me introducing who i am.

And now it's time to talk about Miss Silver, i like to call her ah ngan(in cantonese) coz her chinese name is 银。So i label her as Miss Silver, i even save her phone number as Slver Koh. Now to clear the doubt, her surname is Koh, not Silver. (but i still like to call her ah ngan)

First impresion of her, smart student, how smart? The type that super not interested in biology, knew her aim since she started to learn science, used to claim that dissection is very cruel (if i am not mistaken, this was the reason she decided not to take pure science). Then what's her main interest then? I only label people as smart student when they can solve mathemathical questions easily. And she's one of the rare one (as a girl) can score very good results in maths and physics. And that's why she always has the honour to become our treasurer and ambulatory human calculator when we go shopping.

Now that i think about it, we have never be in the same class in the five years of secondary eductaion. We were in the same class from stadard 4-6, and never since then. How do we become close friends then? I have no idea, probabaly this is what we call 缘分。We have very similar personality(she might not agree with it 因为我很容易发脾气,she rarely lose her temper, unlike me, haha). Our thoughts are rationale and logical. (can kind of predict that as she likes maths and reasoning) 物以类聚嘛！ This is how we became very close as we worked together for chinese society and also red cresent. I was the VP and as i have mentioned, she was the tresurer.

Have we ever had conflicts/frictions before? Maybe we had, but i really couldnt remember. Perhaps our mums had. My mum was just being too protective as ah ngan and i were in the same year, of course there would be some competition to a certain extent. But i treated it as 良性竞争, we competed in UPSR, PMR, and SPM and other exams but it turned out to be a win-win outcome eventhough there was competiton. We even competed for role model student before in standard six and of course she won because her academic result was better than mine. And do you think i am the loser? No, no... I scored better result in my SPM and i end up doing medicine under the government scholarship. (Haha, revenge successful!! No lar, ah ngan i am just kidding, dont angry ya) And now... she's doing not too bad, final year in UM, doing telecommunication engineering. (until now i still dont understand why did she choose this course)

Ah ngan, everyone has already working except both of us. We must work hard and to prove that we are competent to work in the community even though we are graduating later than other people in our year.

Hereby, i attach a pic to show you who Miss Silver is...
And here is the pic of my jay chou calendar for the month november. At the right hand corner, that is the farewell gift given to me from her few days before i came to uk. And i brought along with me... Thank you very much for the gift
Last, but not least, all the best for your future undertakings!!! 生日快乐。

SHE 安静了

詞/Selina
曲/周杰倫

只剩下鋼琴陪我站在這裡
夢想中屬於我們的婚禮
卻成了 單人結婚進行曲
在這場愛情角力的拔河裡
愛我還是愛你 你選擇了自己

撒嬌的 可愛的 黏人的 愛哭的 照片裡 曾經的都是你喜歡的
如今我還在原地 你卻走回你的記憶

你說我愛你太多 就快要把你淹沒
你害怕幸福短暫一秒就崩落
分開是一種解脫 讓你好好的想過
我想要的那片天空 你是不是能夠給我

你說我給你太多 卻不能給我什麼
分不清激情 承諾 永恆或迷惑
愛情是一道傷口 我們各自苦痛
沉默是我最後溫柔 是因為我太愛你

只剩下鋼琴陪我站在這裡
夢想中屬於我們的婚禮 安靜了 在我枕邊的夢裡
我知道相愛原本就不容易
愛不是1加1 努力就有結局

撒嬌的 可愛的 黏人的 愛哭的 照片裡
曾經的都是愛著你的
臉頰的淚還溫熱 卻沒有人握我的手

天使Vs恶魔

当有人开我玩笑时
天使说：“忍一时风平浪静；退一步海阔天空。没关系，他只是在开玩笑而已。”
恶魔说：“忍个屁！退你个头！你不给他点脸色看，还是会被欺负的。”

我听了天使的话， 只因为我想当好人。

当有人又在开我玩笑时
天使说：“没关系， 自娱娱人。 人家开心，我也会开心的。”
恶魔说：“你有没有搞错啊？！让别人的快乐建筑在自己的痛苦上， 你是笨蛋啊？！还嘴啊！”

我又听了天使的话，沉默是金，我相信总有雨过天晴的一天。

当有人不停地反复的开我玩笑时
天使说：“上一次都放下了， 这一次又何必提起呢？好人有好报。”
恶魔说：“好人面具都带了这么久， 都快窒息了。何必再当好人呢，只会让人起到你的头上来！清醒吧！！！”

这时
我犹豫了
恶魔说得对，你做初一，我做十五。我何必静静的让你欺负呢？ 我应该出声反驳。我受够了！！！
不对，大声并不能解决问题，撕破了脸皮，以后相处就尴尬了。。。
哪里还有以后啊，现在都受不了了，管以后干什么。。。你以前都敢爱敢恨，现在干麻畏畏缩缩的，想做什么就做啊，想骂就骂阿！！
不可以，出门在外靠朋友，吞下去就没事了，以和为贵嘛！！
谁跟他是朋友阿，忍他一次就以为我很好欺负，他想说什么就说什么，我也可以啊，想这样多干嘛？
睡一觉，明天就没事了。
明天这个人还在，事情发生了。没得改变的。
上一次都过去了，只一次就算了吧。
不能就这样算的，这次不解决，雪球只会越滚越大，裂痕也会越来越深，到时再爆发，连累更多人而已。

恶魔说的话越来越长，天使慢慢的静静了。
谁赢了？
恶魔说越多，让人越烦。
天使沉默了，可是不代表他人输了。

相比之下，这时，天使让人感觉很有风范。
恶魔就像喋喋不休的老太婆。

如果我还嘴了，我和对方还不是一样。尽做一些没经过大脑伤害人家的事。
可是，我没办法向天使那么大人有大量的原谅他。
我生气，气在心里头。
我想报复，却没勇气赋予行动。
因为我有良心， 但我要着良心来干嘛？
只会让自己难受。

天使和恶魔还在竞争中。。。
而我，就会使他们的争夺的牺牲品。
站在天平的正中央，天使握着我的右手，恶魔拉着我的左手。。。
我不要去右边，也不想往左边。
我只想跳下去，离开这个烦人的天平。

Boring posts...

i wish to write interesting stuff but i am in GP posting for a month and really nothing interesting going on.
i would be in icu next week. hopefully it's going to be more exciting...
a lot of reflection to do as i have been just sitting, eating and sleeping and not doing any revision.
i miss exam
i want to be more discipline
i want to be more hardworking
i want to shock ppl with my medcial knowledge
i want to be the top student

but i just know how to dream....
and my dream wont come true if i dun put in effort...
i need motivation...
i need to let my chakra to leak out and motivates me
(the result of watching too much naruto)
gambatekudasai
(the result of watching to much J drama)

ok. time to study...
or perhaps..
time to eat lunch
time for a nap
and finally time to study...

Criteria of my future husband

I am sitting in the com lab again in this boring wednesday afternoon. So this might be a very boring topic, it's just some personal thoughts that i would like to share in my blog.



I always dream about how my future husband looks like. Old/young? Normal/disabled? Tall/short? Fat/thin? Malaysian/non-malaysian? Chinese/non-chinese? But all these are just physical appearances and what i do really care is the inner beauty, the wavelenght and the character. I always said i dont want to marry someone who smokes / drinks and my mum told me, never try to set a criteria for it cause i might end up falling for someone with all the negative criteria that i have set.



Ideally, i hope he's a musician that can play piano, not only pop songs but also classical. The best part is he can sing while he's playing piano. Trust me, not all pianists can sing and not all singers can play piano. For example, my house has someone that can play piano but has a big room of improvement in singing. Next, he needs to play some kind of sport, preferably basketball. Coz i think basketball players are cool!!! Last, but not least, he has to love his family especially his parents. (Yeah, you are right. He's the one in your mind, Mr Jay Chou!) And i know he's unreachable and a super unrealistic dream that he would be my husband. But there's also a trouble to marry him as all the papporazi and news reporter would target me and i would lose my freedom!!! (Arghh, Xiao Jie, dun think too much....) So Jay Chou is just a dream...

Ok, who's next? There's this hong kong tvb drama series called "The Golden Faith" and the hero in this show was starred by Gallen Loh. And this character was named Ivan and... He's really my dream husband that possibly acievable. He was an adopted child but he cared for his family. He inherited a company that being managed by his father before he passed away. And he took over the company temporary to train his younger brother, Oscar to be more capable of managing the company. But, some how Oscar misunderstood him but Ivan never ever do anything to harm him even though Oscar intent to kill him. On the other hand, Ivan had a blood-related brother and he sacrificed his relationship for him. I give him 100marks for his personality and character as he's really someone that you would only see in a show. But... the thing that i do not like a bout him is... He's a businessman. I always think that businessmen are cunning, selffish and materialistic. Say no to businessman... (But i never know coz i might eventually marry a businessman after being so defensive. Haha!!)

So, stop dreaming of all those all-rounded, 100% perfect man to be my Mr right. Now that i am in the medical world, my partner would be more likely a healthcare worker. Probably a consultant? surgeon? or pharmacist? dietician? or (turun pangkat) charged nurse? nurse? or (the worst thing i have ever think about) a cleaner in the hospital.

Technically speaking, i wish not to marry a doctor as it's going to be very boring if you only mix around with people in the sane career. But practically, it's good as he would be more understading if we work in the similar setting. Nowadays, i have been surounded with anaesthetists as my coordinator is also an anaesthetist. And i think amaesthetist are cool really... especially those who specialised in cardiothoracic surgery.

What would happen if a paediatrician marry an amaethetist? would their child become a paediatrcian anaethetist???

ha, think too much.
i should have used the time i blog on this boring stuff to study but this topic just came into my mind.
i would never know who i would marry.
maybe it's a lady and not a gentleman? (my parents might have heart attack if they see this...)
or maybe i decided not to go into marriage? (second heart attack...)

ok, after all, it's just some thoughts.
dun take it seriously...

Maturity

Maturity stops you from mourning
Maturity stops you from screaming
Maturity stops you from crying
Maturity stops you from doing stupid things

Maturity makes you becoming silent
Maturity makes you becoming ignorant
Maturity makes you becoming tough
Maturity makes you becoming lone ranger

Am i mature?

I wish i was there...

73 days I am away from home, not the longest time yet, my maximum record was 120days away from home which was just few months ago. In total, I have been away from home for over 200days!!! If I say I never ever have homesick, taht's a LIE!!! And i do not lie, so i do miss my family, especially my brothers. (Papa & mama, please do noy be jealous ya...)
My first homesick episode ever since i came to preton was when i read xiao dee's blog on our house warming party and his piano fair. I really wish i was there. But unfortunately, i am in UK, doing my clinical practice.
Then the next time was my mum rang and told me that her blood pressure was high and she had headache that she couldnt cope with and she needed to take pain killer which she normally doesnt take at all. At the same time, she complained of numbness over the hands, arms and neck which sounds like the symptoms of stroke. During the period of time, i just started my clinical palcement in stroke rehabilitation ward, and i saw a lot of people who need help in moving around, feeding and even washing themselves. Oh, i dun want to see my mum in that condition!!! She was worried as my uncle died of complications from hypertension, and it runs in her family. I was worried to but i try not to show it to my mum and convince her to go for medical check-up. After talking to my mum on the phone, i just couldnt stop myself crying and i wish i was there with her. I wish i could bring her to see doctor and just comfort her... But i am away from home... I was really hopeless at that time, and spoke to my borther and made him to bring my mum to see the doctor. Thank God, everything turned out to be fine and my mum's blood pressure was back to mornal. The neurological symtoms that she experienced was just the once and only episode.
And... i felt homesick again last friday night, the worst thing was i wasnt alone. When the feelings came, i was surrounded by almost 15people in a room. We were watching a video which was a birthday present of my senior, and in the video, his friends and his family sent their respective wishes to him as last thursday was his birthday. I dun know them at all, I am not even very close to this senior, but i was touched by the video. My tears was just pooling in my eyes when i heard the messages and wishes given by his mum and sister.By looking at their bond, it reminds me of my brothers, especially my younger brother (hoi, dun be jealous ya, sometimes i would think of you also but lesser compared to xiao dee la). And i just couldnt help and cry again, it was so embarassing in front of so many people. I quickly rushed out of the room and sitting on the staircase and just let all my emotions flew out with the tears. I was settled down in a while and to be honest, this time i wish my family was here. What does this imply? I was homesick...
And now, there's no resistance to that feeling when it comes, just try to call them up to make sure they are happy and healthy. Or try to make myself busy with stuff so that i wont think of it.
I will also make sure i am also happy and healthy. That is what they really want to hear.
I am fine really :=)

Stories of Histrory Taking

1) I was posted to MAU-medical assessment unit one day and i was asked to clerk a new patient that was just admitted to MAU. So i went with my clinical partner and we saw a lady on the bed and a young man besides her. We started off by introducing ourselves and asked why the patient was there. And the young man told us that his mum had stroke and she couldnt speak. (OMG, tak kan want to clerk her by using sign language/ non verbal method?) Then her son started to tell us stories that she has weakness on the right side. (OMGx2, she couldnt even do sign language coz one side of her arm was paralysed!!!) I stared at my clinical partner and seeking for help. And we decided to ask the young man for her details then. He was telling us that he found her collapsed in the morning.... But he didnt know about other details, eg: past medical, drug, allergic, smoking and drinking history coz he didnt stay with her and his mum just came over from spain to visit him... (Arghhh... what a difficlut case) We tried to ask closed question directed to the patient, eg: Do you smoke? And she nodded. We asked again to confirmed and she didnt respond. ( i think she's confused) As a result, we didnt obtain much of her medical history but we still presented her case to a SHO and he sorted out the documentation...

From the medical studnet point of view, i feel sorry for the patient, but it's really hard to obtain history from someone who couldnt express themselves even if we are willing to help... It's even harder to obtain history from them if their family dont know they are not close to their family.
The moral of the story is update ur family or friends with ur daily life so that they would be able to provide information to the doctors if you KO one day (touch wood!!)

2) I was asked to clerk this gentleman who has very interesting cardiac history in a GP clinic. (OK, cardiac history, set in my mind, probably he has ischaemic heart disease. Ah, boring! Chest pain again...). I walked in and started with my opening question: What are you here today? ( i always feel that this is a good question to start with for history taking but i found out i was wrong until i met this chap) And he said that he's coming back for his prescription. (Em... Sweat!!! I cant make this a chief complaint and i cant derive any questions from there for history of presenting illness) So, i moved on to asking about what medications he was on ( i regret starting off with drug history coz it was weird to do the history taking in a reverse order) He told me he's on warfarin(first thing came into my mind was DVT-deep vein thrombosis), simvastatin (this is an expected drug if he has IHD), ramipril (OK, he might have hypertension) and two other drugs that i couldnt remember. (there's no GTN, asprin, and beta blocker. it's so strange?! maybe he's not an IHD case) Ok from the drug histroy, i moved backwards to ask what medical problems ha has to make him on those drugs. (Deng deng deng deng!!! this is the interesting part) He said he had cardioversion 3 weeks ago and they put him on warfarin. (OK, next think backward, why was he cardioverted, must be something wrong with his heart rhythm) He said he had palpitation for 18months. (See, i was right!!!) And then i was stucked, palpitation ah, not chest pain ah, and i was trying to apply to SOCRATES. Coz i never clerk a history of palpitation before... After that, i asked about his family history, smoking and drinking history and the GP came in to review my history. I didnt even ask about the regular/ non regular and fast/slow when he had palpitation. ( what a simple mistake) And after that 10min history taking, i really learnt a lot!!!

From the medical student point of view, not all clerking in CVS is chest pain or shortness of breath. Not all diagnosis would be angina, myocardial infraction, and heart failure. Do not forget about arryhthmia, especially atrial fibrillation!!!
The moral of the story is do not make any assumption or have any expectation coz life is so unpredictable!!!

3) I was in ICU-intensive care unit and i was asked to clerk Mr Big (that's not his real name, the staffs called him Mr big because he was very obese) I appreciate this clerking coz it's the only case i could clerk in ICU as most of the patients in ICU were in sleep, intubated, on a ventilator and not suitable for clerking. Mr Big was fit enough to talk as they are going to discharge him from ICU to medical ward. Of course, i started with the same question again, "Why are you here today?" ( i clerked him before the second case, so i was still very used to my method, i think i am going to change soon, coz it's no longer very useful.) And he gave me a weird answer saying that he was there because the staff couldnt find the equipment to move him away. (See, it not a very good question as the reply wasnt what i want) So i rephrase my question, "why do you come to the hospital?" and he answered me that he came to the hospital for some breathing test. (OK, i asked the wrong question again) I repharse it the third time and make sure that he would fully understand, "Why do you come to this ward and why were you admitted to the hospital?" (and this time i was fairly sure that i could get the answer i wanted, mana tau...) He said: I dont know... I dont remember how did i come in and i dont remember who brought me in. I just remember that my GP came to see me and asked me to come to the hospital for a breathing test and next thing i could remember after that was i was alreday in this ward. (So Strange... How am i going to write this in my history? Cheif Complaint: patient dont know what happen to himself) I guess he was collapsed and he didnt even remember whether he collapsed or not (Yau mo gau cho ah??? Makes my life so difficult) And luckily his wife and his mum came to visit him at that time. I could obtain history from them and they told me that he always felt asleep and he wouldnt remember what's going on when he was in sleep. And i went to read his notes after that and the diagnosis for Mr Big was Sleep Apnoea. He collapsed( or felt asleep?) in the hospital and the anaesthetist was called to go see him as he stopped breathing at that time. That was how he admitted to ICU.

From the medical student point of view, ask the correct question to get the correct answer!!!
The moral of the story is also ask the correct question to get the correct answer!!!

Sports and leisure time

Every wednesday afternoon is sports and leisure day for manchester medical students. Everyone gets half day off on wednesday and i think it's a good day as wednesday is just the mid-day of a week, and it's really nice if you can have a break.

And my wednesdays turn out to be a better day as i always finish pbl on wednesday. (tuesday is a sad day coz i always have to rush and do my pbl on tuesday evening). So i would be super free after my pbl in the morning... No need to go ward, no need to go clinics, no need to go GP sugery, no need to go home visits, no clinicla teachings...

And i would be in Blackburn ON MY OWN... as i don't go back to Preston and most of my friends are in Preston. The only people that is with me is my clinical partner, but he's going to Preston for shopping!!! (I was left alone)

But my mentor (who is a SHO in GP training)( she's an oxford graduate wei... Super Keng!!!), offers to teach me but she's working in A&E in another hospital. And i'm lazy to take the shuttle bus to that hospital....

And what's going to be my plan to spend the whole afternoon?
According to my past experiences, i would either sleep or watch series... Very rarely i would study... Or maybe i should make a change this time...
And now... I 'm blogging... Would i blog the whole afternoon? I never know...

稻香

词：周杰伦 曲：周杰伦

　对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨 跌倒了就不敢继续往前走
　为什么人要这么的脆弱 堕落 请你打开电视看看
　多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去 我们是不是该知足
　珍惜一切 就算没有拥有

　还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随着稻香河流继续奔跑
　微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
　不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑 乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
　回家吧 回到最初的美好

　不要这么容易就想放弃 就像我说的 追不到的梦想 换个梦不就得了
　为自己的人生鲜艳上色 先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
　笑一个吧 功成名就不是目的 让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义
　童年的纸飞机 现在终于飞回我手里

　所谓的那快乐 赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
　偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了 谁在偷笑呢
　我靠着稻草人吹着风唱着歌睡着了

　哦 哦 午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆
　哦 哦 阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
　珍惜一切 就算没有拥有

　还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随着稻香河流继续奔跑
　微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
　不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑 乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
　回家吧 回到最初的美好

Jooney Thermometer

Weather in Preston-Blackburn-Manchester is getting colder nowadays. And i find myself to be a very good indicator for the temperature and it's quite accurate in estimating the surrounding temperature. The followings are my findings:

When i need to put my gloves on when walking on the street and my ears and face are numb because of the cold~~~It's 0-4'C

When i need to wear my skarf and use my thick coat and there's mist coming out from my mouth when i talk~~~It's 5-8'C

When i just need to wear a jumper/jacket~~~It's 9-12'C

And when it's 13-16'C, i can even wear short sleeves and walk on the street provided that there's no strong wind...
And stop dreaming la.... Winter is coming... NO more 12-16'C...

It's all <12'C now and it can go to <5'C at night...
Believe it or not, Jooney's thermometer has unknown specificity and sensitivity... But, it's very accurate!!!

My Clinical Partner

Personal Details

• Name: You know who
• Age: 22 in 19days
• DOB: 15.11.1986
• Race: Malay
• Religion: Islam
• Occupation: Of course is the same like me, third year med student.

Chief compalint (on my cp, ie clinical partner)

1. Whenever you ask him to make a decision, he would say:"Dun ask me, man! I dun mind."
2. Whenever you accidentally do someting wrong, he would grab the chance to tease you and say:"I can do wrong. You cannot!!!"
3. Whenever you accidentally say something wrong, he would immediately want you to admit it and say:"I'll do that also, but i dun admit. You must admit!!!"
4. Whenever you are late for maybe just 5sec, he would blame you and say:"I can be late/I never be late (in fact, this is not true...) But you cant be late!!!"
5. Stop saying the work "FXCK" in front of me, i feel very uncomfortable whenever he uses that word!!

History of presenting complaint (SOCRATES)

• Site: of course is on me la
• Onset: ever since we were cp
• Character: i hope he was kidding when he was mean to me...
• Radiation: no radiation notice yet, so far his target is only me, didnt c him do the same thing on my other friends yet
• Associated symptoms: Nil..
• Time pattern: Mostly day time coz i dun see him at night.
• Exacerbating factor:Not very sure... Coz i am always nice to him...
• Relieving factor: When i offer him coffee, he would treat me nicely, i guess. he even helped me with my pbl.. :=)
• Severity: It varies with his mood. When he's happy, he can play songs for me, even Jay Chou's.

Past medical(academic) history

• Absent in lecture
• Absent in CSU session
• Absent in PBL
• Generally he missed 90% of academic hours in IMU
• he scored A for haemato (according to him, that's the only A he got) which i only got A- (He beat me!!!) , the reason was because he attended the dengue lecture, not because he did revise or study. What a smart person!!!

Family History

• Parents are not doctors but have high expectations on him.
• They would buy him a car if he passes exam with distinction and i have asked him to save a place for me. Ha, this is the priority of being his cp!

Social history

• He smokes but he says he'll quit when he reaches 10pack years which is the time when we graduate and qualified to be a doctor.
• He dosent drink BUT he likes to ask me to drink vodka...
• Diet a bit problematic coz he can only eat halal meat, as a result of that, he only eats tuna and prawn sandwhich everyday.
• He eats chocolate for breakfast and his favourite drink is Oasis citrus.

Systemic review
Sleep, appetite, bowel, micturition, weight all normal and no change.
The only thing that has changed was his attitude towards studying. He's positive and active in learning which i think it's a good change. Not sure will people from IMU believe this when i tell them..

Diagnosis
Jooney Bullying Snydrome?

Plan/Treatment

1. To treat him as nice as i can so that he wont bully me anymore. But i doubt this will work.
2. Help him do some research on PBL as he helped me before
3. Make him quit smoking asap so that he would thank me for being concern of his health and treat me nicely. But this is going to be a MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!!
4. Discharge him after being one year of CP?

Conclusion

• This is just a joke, Mr Azman.
• Dun take it too seriously!!
• Quote your favourite line:"Chill la..."

I'm ALIVE!!!

When all the bad things are gone.... good things would come.
I believe that would happen on me....

For once, when i knew i have to go to Blackburn, i really felt like going to pub and drink and make myself drunk. But now, after experiencing my clinical life there for a month, i enjoy it despite the fact that i have to travel everyday.

And then, here comes the story of my new phone. I ordered it on line and it said that i would get it the next day. But i waited for 2 weeks and rang the people and found out why. (at that time, i really felt like scolding people... but then i think my skills were deteriorate after not scolding people for very long time, coz no target in Preston that i could fire...) And they were telling me they didint have the stock and replace it with the othe colour... Ok, fine! whatever... just send it to me asap... And finally i got it the next day and i LOVE it so much... I just lost a earpiece that comes with the phone and i was sa sad... Didnt enjoy my friend's party at all and i went home alone sadly... But after all, i feel that good things would come after each episode of sadness. I shall wait and see.

Look, my little buddha with my new phone that i love so much...

And then, at the same time, i was struggling to find out why my computer couldnt go online.... I was surviving by using the library computer and also friend's computer to keep myself as a human in the millennium century. And finally i repaired it myself and my computer was reborned, meanwhile, and there's regeneration process going through my system. And... I'm alive!!! Finally i could get in touch with people bec from Malaysia or even friends in Scotland... The distance seem to be shorten with all the advance technology.

Take care, my friends and family.. I'm doing well here..
Bad things were gone and good luck is by my side. I have faith in myself!!!

It's only you....

There is just one thing in this world that would make me home sick....

I do miss our malaysian food, eversince the raya celebration at my house. We had nasi lemak with ayam goreng... But this wont make me feel home sick....
I do miss my mum's cookings, but i am used to not eating her food eversince i left home to college... But this wont make me feel home sick...
I do miss the nice and warm weather, but i am doing fine with the waether here as long as it doesnt rain... But this wont make me feel home sick even though the weather is getting colder...

It's not a phone call back home....
It's not my dad's email...
It's not my mum's voice...
It's not hoi's computer skills

It's you.... Xiao Dee!!! It's your blog....
I chose the wrong time to read your blog today. I was in the hospital computer lab and your blog moved me to tears again. I wish i could hear your stories from you but not through your blog.

It reminds me of the things happen in the family...
I'm always the last one who knows.
Recently, i couldnt go on line, and i couldnt get first hand news from all of u...
It's time for me to fix my com problem...
It's just too shameful to sob in the library

I really miss u all so much...
And i have to go for lecture 30min later with red eyes...
Xiao Dee, it's all ur fault....

Chain email

Finally now i can get hold of my IMU family. When i looked through the email, is sounds like a med student forum. It's all about our medical postings. And i like WL's story, for once i thought that's from YS(no offence, YS, i just thought that u r more filial to ur grandparents). But towards the end of the story, i realised is not YS, it's our Funny King- Mr WL.
Guys, i really miss our time in BJ n vista.
It's really nice to hear from those in aussie n nz, n of course those from msia.
n to those that r in UK, we must meet up one time, hopefully u guys can come over to preston to visit me la.
thanks to those who initiated this chain email. i really appreciate the chance to c what happen to u guys. take care. n keep in touch!!!

Be confident!!!

I had a few more examinations in CCU today. But then i got a lot of things wrong. I am still not able to pick up crackles, murmurs... I even mistaken a soft abd as guarding. But then i am happy to learn from mistakes. At least, i remember.
However, i was uncertain in presenting my findings. Partly because of language, partly because of knowledge. Sometimes i cant think of the accurate word to say... Sometimes i just knew the outcome without knowing the mechanism...
I used to be a very confident person but when it comes to physical examination. I was scared, scared of doing wrongly or performing weakly.
Just need to come out with my style.
Jooney's history taking and examination style.
When i am able to establish and practice my style, i know i am going to succeed.

Just thought of something out of the box:
Clinical life can be very tiring but...
It's so fun.... It makes u think 24/7... It makes u think that u r still alive...

I am alive to seek for more confident!!!

Placement in Blackburn

After a day of induction, finally today i have started my official clinical placement for my first module: HLB- Heart, Lung, Blood. My first posting in Royal Blackburn Hospital is in Critical Care Unit. I had a very interesting day despite my clinical partner was absent. I did a respi and cvs examination on my own. And both were female patients!!! And clerking a patient who was uncounscious on admission. I was blank when writting the report and i didnt know what to write for chief complaint and associated systoms. Coz the patient wasnt complaint of any symptoms at all!!!
And i performed an ultrasound on the neck. I DID IT!!! all on my own with the verbal guidance from the registrar as he needs to see the vessels in the neck in order to put in the central line. Changing the direction of the probe to look at different anlge for carotid arteries and internal jugular vein.
A lot of things were very different from what we learn in medical school. In a real clinical settings, problems arised when you come into practice.
For example,
1) The pateint has both arterial lines at the radial pulse, then I had to find a space near the radial artery to palpate for the pulse....
2) The patient has kyphoscoliosis, the first time i did percussion and auscultation on the back but not in a straight line downwards. I had to follow the shape of the spine to percuss and auscultate and compare.
3) A female pateint who had aortic stenosis and i actually picked up ejection systolic murmur on my own. but then the problem is she has breasts on her chest... and then i could palpate the apex beat. but i had totally no idea how to locate it when i moved along the intercostal space coz i couldnt feel for the rib!!!
After a whole day of hard work, i kind of more appreciate that i am in Blackburn. Although i was on my own, but it's a brand new world that welcome me a lot. So i just relax and enjoy my postings for the next 13weeks...
p/s: never expect myself to adapt so quickly, hopefully this happiness would continue....
Good luck, Jooney!!!

It doesnt rain today.... But i cried yesterday

There's a phrase in chinese said that the day would be sunny after a rain. But then it doesnt rain today and it's sunny.
Life still goes on even my appeal wasnt successful. Balckburn here i come~~~ i would normally put !!! at the end of the sentence but i really dun feel like putting it on. i dun feel excited, i'm just feeling calm. after a few days of waiting, i kind of accepting the fact that i'm going there reagrdless what the reason i gave to the dean. now my main concern is to stay there or staying back in Preston? to travel everyday or to get accomodation there? at least it's comfirmed i have to leave and i could stop myself from dreaming...

i want to end the law of bad attraction and create the law of good attraction...
instead of saying why i havent receive my phone yet???
i should say: my new phone is coming soon!!!
instead of saying why i have to go Blackburn???
i should say: Blackburn, i'm going to conquer you!!!
instead of saying why my com cant go on line???
i should say: I would sort this out very soon!!!
Would everything good come to me soon? I want good things to happen... I want things to go as i wish but... sad to say, in the real world not all things would go as u wish...
so just accept.... accept the fact that those bad things are over, and i'm waiting for my new n happy life in a new place!!!

Tears flew out yesterday... and it's accumulating today... i wonder when would it burst. i'm trying hard to hold it, to hide it from ppl....
But i know it's going to burst, it's just a matter of time...

the post today is very random... but i'have been very moody since last week, pretending that i'm happy. i'm trying to be tough and mature but it's really hard.
can i be more childish and do things without thinking the consequences???
ppl ard me would nvr bother. they just care abt what's the plan this weekend. n i would just have to listen and hiding my tears...
it's not a shame to cry but it's a shame i have no freinds to open up my feelings with...
it's just to hard to get true friends here...

i m going to end this post at a random point. pls dun ask me what happen as too many things happened and i duno where to start. but if u r really my true friend, just pray for me n i'll be fine.

Focus, Think, Stand up & Speak out

This is my new motto of being a medical students in Prseton.
fisrt of all, must FOCUS in all lectures and PBLs. coz the ppl here hv very strong accent, if u r dreaming for 1 sec, u might not be able to follow the whole story and seem very lost in the lecture.
next, must THINK!! cannot think hard, must think smartly and think wisely. the manchester students are very good in stimulating their brain to think, unlike us the malaysian students that are so used to spoon-feeding based education. that's why we r always slow in giving answers coz we dun use our brain to think frequently.
finally, i must learn to STAND UP & SPEAK OUT... chances are there, but i cannot just be like in malaysia sitting at my own corner to study. to gain more knowledge, to improve and advance in this country, they key is to ask questions. never afraid of asking supid questions, jsut voice out our opinion.
BUT.... somehow this is quite difficult to achieve as we dun normally think... so we dun normally think of any questions.... if u dun have questions, u remain queit...
cycles go on... and on... and on... and i m still in the stage of focusing... a little bit of thinking.... and a very long way towards standing up and speaking loud....
i have to be determined, it's all in my mind....
Focus, Think, Stand up & Speak out!!!

time flies...

finally our first week of ICL has come to an end...
what have i gain so far? only one word, MALU~~~~
I FEEL SO EMBARASSING for myself as we go along the time table. eg: communication skills lab, basic life support, airway training, glucosemeter training, cannulation, iv infusion, urinalysis....
basically i have learnt a lot of this thing from IMU formally or informally but i still cant master tthe skilss for 100%....
i just feel that i have put in so much effort to go till this far but i did not advance for the past few months...
"a lot to catch up" is actually an excuse
"a lot to recall" is the truth...
laziness would always make u not moving....
so i should be more dedicated from this second...
ren zhen!!! jia you!!!

Orientation/ Induction Week

I came to manchester/preston with an empty cup, hoping to fill in with information and resources... I wouldnt say i enjoyed a lot so far coz their orientation was boring... super boring....
Maybe i should start on with the comment thing first...
First of all.... weather... it wasnt very cold yet as now is till consider as summer although autumn is coming up... But the worst thing is--> it rains very day.... My shoes and pants get wet... i even got splash when a bus pass-by because i was walking to close to the road...
Next next...Classes/ Meetings/Breifings...
of course, i believe all students, regardless what uni you in, u would hv to meet the dean frist.. we, the direct entry student was asked to go for a briefing on the day before we met the dean as they would brief us on the medical schools and departments, the medical school student reps in MANCHESTER... but it wasnt really applicable for me as i m not going to stay in manchester as my base is in PRESTON which is another city further away from manchester. if u take train, it will take u 45min for a trip... but i am happy to find out that preston is one of the stop for the train to glascow and edinburgh... as i hv friends there....
and the second day for us, the direct entry students, aftyer meeting the dean and listening to their speech, we went to the stduent service centre for registration. i was lucky that i was sponsored by the government and everything went so smoothly without any trouble at all, which means i do not need to come to manchester another day to sort it out... i got my swipe card on the day itself and i can now proud to introduce myself as STUDENT OF UNI OF MANCHESTER!!!
and here the third day came, we were giving briefing on Royal Preston Hospital which is the base of our hospital... and also some of the staffs and most imporatantly, they briefed us on the ICL (Intro to Clinical Learning) which is an induction course the last for three weeks, before we go into clinical settings...
then here came the first weekend for my second visit to UK... i planned to visit my uncle and to collect my stuff as i left a lot of stuff at his palce in my first visit. and because of that i missed a super huge dinner with the seniors on sat night. there were 80seniors from Y4, Y5, FP1 nad FP2 and also my batch mates, the Y3 students... and that was the saddest experience i had ever had in travelling in UK.... the journey from manch to cardiff is only 3hr. i departed at 2.30pm but eventually i reached my uncle's house at 8.30pm..... what a terrible trip!!! the train was moving slowly... and it terminated at hereford and i was told that the railway was flooded and the train couldnt move over... so i was "invited" to take the bus to newport and myuncle picked me up from newport train station.....
and this week is my second week.... also boring week as it's an oreintation week for the preston students...
looking forward to see what's going to happen this week. ha!!

40 days in Malaysia

From 20th July, the time i arrived KLIA to 30th Aug, the time i am leaving Malaysia, i have 40days to spend at my hometown. I have so much things to do in these 4odays and finally my preparation has come to an end.

Day 1 I went shopping with my family in IKEA on the day i arrived. To be honest, i was tired but i was happy that i could met my family after separation of 16weeks.
Day 2 I did my medical check-up in a private hospital near my house as requested by my sponsor, JPA.
Day 3 I met IMU seniors in Mid Valley and also my friends. We watched "Red Cliff" together as i didnt step into a cinema for 16weeks.
Day 4 I went back to my old house to shift my stuff to my new house. At night, i met my Sban friends and invited them to visit my new house.

Day 5-8 I went back to Penang to visit my relatives there. And ate all the food that i have missed.

Day 9 I went to IMU to collect my academic transcript and on the same day, i went to extract my decayed tooth in the dental clinic.
Day 10 I cleaned my own room and set up my new wardrobe with my bro.
Day 11 We ordered a lorry to carry our furnitures from old house to new house. And a very tiring day...
Day 12 I went to KL to apply my student visa.
Day 13 I went to JPA for briefing to collect my flight ticket and allowance. On the same day, i went to KLIA to change my flight date from 14th aug to 30aug due to misunderstanding between me and JPA officer.

Day 14-15 Finally, i could stay at home and no need to go out on as my cousin came to visit me.

Day 16-20 I was asked to attend Kursus Kenegaraan that organized by Biro Tatatnegara. And the day i came back from the camp, i watched Beijing 2008 Olympic opening ceremony with my friends... That was my farewell with my beloved friends....

Day 21 I went back to my dad's kampung, Ulu Yam to pay respect (bai bai) to my ancestors. And of course i wont miss the delicious Loh Mee...
Day 22 Nothing much to recall, i guess i was chilling at home...
Day 23 I brought my grandpa to PathLab for his medical check-up as he keeps complaining his knee pain, i suspect it was due to osteoarthritis. But it was just too hard for me to tell him in Hokkien.
Day 24 I went to KL again to collect my student visa but some how it was quite depressing as UK granted me a 2yr visa as opposed to 3yr duration of my course due to error in my financial affidavit.

Day 25-28 I stayed at home chilling and watched Taiwanese drama-"Fated to love" as
recommended by my cousin.

Day 29 I went shopping with my family again. At night, stayed tuned to astro and watched the final match of badminton men's single. As a malaysian, i gave my spiritual support to Lee Chong Wei. But as an audience, i gave Lin Dan a round applause for such a good match.
Day 30 And today, i did something that i wished to do since the first day i came back. I cut my hair to the length that i am comfortable with...

Another 10days to go...
I would need to start to pack my stuff to UK...

It has to come... The day i leave my family to pursue my dream...
Nothing can be done even if i feel sad...
The only thing i am trying to do now is treasure every second that i could spend with them as i am using these 40days to compensate the 1yr period that i wont be around...
I am happy
I am contended
I am grateful
:=)

home sweet home...

finally i am back....
finally i have internet connection...
finally i can blog...

but then, i was busy...
i am busy...
i will be busy....

i was busy with student visa application, medical check-up, pre-departure briefing, kursus kenegaraan....
i am busy with cleaning my new house, packing and unpacking my stuff, decorating me new room....
i will be busy with visiting relatives before i fly to manhcester, house hunting in preston, and spending time with my friends and family...

no matter how busy am i, i am happy to be here... my home town...

< ?? hr

i am leaving singleton hospital < 1hr
i am leaving swansea university in < 5hr
i am leaving wales in < 19hr
i am leaving london in < 24hr
i will be back to malaysia < 37hr
i will be back home in < 39hr
i just need to wait for another 2340 minutes...
which is euivalent to 140400 seconds
140400...
140399...
140398...
140397...
140396..............................................................
when i count to 1s, that's the time i can see my family...

Sayonara...Goodbye... ZaiJian...So long...Selamat tinggal

What would i miss the most in Wales?
1) my cutie "ang mo" cousins
2) my kind and friendly coulleagues
3) free coffee everyday in the hospital
4) clean environment without cockroaches
5) cool and nice weather that wont make u sweat
6) green grass and pretty flowers
7) food, eg: muller's youghurt, joe's ice cream, subway's burger, walker's snack...

What wouldnt i miss at all in Wales?
1) Potatoes!!!! no more potatoes when i go back
2) Sanwhiches!!! say no to sandwich, "tak nak"
3) strong wind... when the wind blows against you, it can make you very hard to step forward
4) Proper "kuai low" english... i want to speak pasar/broken/malaysian english with all the 'la', 'mei', 'wor','ma'....
5) dogs that like to run around!!! bye bye, doggy...

Sayonara...Goodbye... ZaiJian...So long...Selamat tinggal
to all the people, events, things and places in Wales

Another 4 days to go...

I am going back home in few days time... Very excited... Finally i can go home and spend some time with my friends and family
most probably staying at home for one month time and need to fly again to manchester to start my clinical practice in september...
so i need to spend my time wisely... as i have too many things to sort out...
1) my medical report to JPA
it was supposed to be completed 2 weeks ago but because i was in Wales, i was allowed to post to them later... i hope it wont take me long but according to my friend they waited quite long in government hospital and it's quite costly to do it in private hospital...
2) collect my unconditional offer letter and apply for my student visa...
IMU has got my offer letter and i need to go British Council to apply for my student visa... i already got the form and the photocopy of my passport plus the photo... what i need to do now is just bring it to the office in KL
3) have a hair cut
I cant imagine myself not having hair cut for 16weeks... My friends would know that i trim my hair quite frequently as i like my head to be light...i couldnt think well when my head is heavy although my long hair only weigh <100g
4) decorate my new room
i am moving to new house very soon and my dad hag bought the other furnitures and only my room was left empty because i am not at home... he only got me an air cond and wardrobe. i am using the old bed... but anyway, i wish to get a study table and a chair... i'll go shopping to get new furnitures for myslef... HOORAY!!!
5) eat as much as i can.... especially home-cooked food
i miss my mum's cookings, especially her luo han guo soup, herbal chicken, fried dou miao, steamed fish, fried prawn... and other malaysian food, eg: bak kut teh, nasi lemak, satay, asam laksa, ulu yam loh mee... i wish i could sapu all the food in the 4 weeks and maitaining my weight at the same time... what a great challenge to me.....
6) meet up with my friends...
i hope to meet up with my imu sban friends in sban... do u guys 1 2 go for movie or sing k?
hope to meet my ex-housemates in bukit jalil as they were working for imu...
hope to meet up my pd friends in UM as our beloved headboy is going to graduate on 7th aug... really need to go and wish him all the best...
and also miss ds who supported me a lot...
7) meet up with my relatives...
i miss my beloved and cutie cousin, eg: an an, jia jia, shi shi, er er, and hong hong...
of course also not so cutie one, eg: tomboy xin and liverpool yong...
and also my grandparents, my uncles and my aunites...
8) last, but not least... to spend some time with my family
i'll use this one month time to compensate what i did not do for the past 16 weeks...
papa, sorry that i still wont buy cigarrete for you but i'll go shopping with you to look for nice furnitures, ok?
mama, sorry that i always reply ur sms late and make you so worry about me but i will go back penang with you to visit ah gong and ah ma, ok?
ah hoi, sorry that i couldnt do much when u were admitted to hospital and as a medical student, i felt so hopeless when couldnt help you at all... but i'll try my best to do whatever you requested as long as i can make it... go pc fair? go mayday concert? go low yat? anything u wish, ok?
xiao dee, sorry that i couldnt find any score for you and bring you so much trouble for these 16weeks... but i promise to invest in your new piano, ok?
thank you to papa and mama who give me so much support, spiritually and financially to fulfill my dream to come to learn with uncle
thank you to hoi and xiao dee who take care papa and mama on my behalf... sorry to make u guys the middle man between two of them... sorry to make u all take up so much burden... i am the eldest child and it was supposed to be my responsible...
i love all of you... muak...

LET IT BE...

On monday, i was supposed to go to the gynae clinic and it was cancelled.
On tuesday, i was supposed to go to the antenatal clinic, but the consultant was too stressful and refused to run the clinic.
On wednesday, i was supposed to go to the diabetic antenatal clinic and they already had another elective student...
at the end, i couldnt attend all the clinics in the morning...
and this morning, i received an sms from my brother saying that my com certified kena virus.....
the virus was so smart to infect my com at this time... when i am going back home soon. nothing much i can do now, just waiting to go home so that my bro can fix it for me.
everything just gone wrong and i wasnt really upset at all...
learning to take things lightly, i think....
i was disappointed for a while but i know nothing can be changed even if i fell upset.
SO, JUST LET IT BE....

Obstetric & Gynaecology posting

I've decided to write for this posting in advance even though i've another 4 more days to go. I do this only for two weeks and no ward rounds this time as attachment to this department is very different form others. as the consultant in charge of elective students for O&G created a time table for me, unlike last time i went to the medical/surgical/paediatrics ward in the morning and stay until i feel like leaving. In the wards, i normally follow the consultants for the morning ward round and then follow the junior doctors to do bloods and review the patients. But then, in O&G i have to follow my time table as created.

MONDAY Gynae OPD & Post-menopausal bleeding clinic
TUESDAY Antenatal Clinic
WEDNESDAY Diabetic Antenatal clinic
THURSDAY Gynae theatre
FRIDAY Labour Ward

So basically i do not get to follow the progression of the patients as they only come to clinic once.
But i can still share with you things that i've seen in clinic but it wont be as interesting as cases that i've seen in the wards...

1) Gynae OPD: the most commom complaint would be menorrhagia for young lady and uterine/vaginal wall prolapse for old lady.
2) PMB clinic: i get to see transvaginal ultrasound scanning to measure the endometrium thickness and also endometrail biopsy... (:p)
3) Antenatal: nothing much, basically just follow-ups to check BP and urine...
4) Diabetic antenatal clinic: this is a super busy one cause there were a consultant, a diabetic nurse, a dietician, a midwife, a student nurse and a medical student (that's me) in that clinic. 6 person to see one patient and everyone would interview the patients to find out her medical condition (by the consultant), her daily blood sugar level (by the diabetic nurse), her diet control (by the dietician), her baby's condition (by the midwife) and her BP+urine (by the student nurse). i am the only one not doing anything in the clinic because i dun know what can i do...
basically i just sat there and watched....
5) theatre: very good experience, i get to see vaginal hysterectomy and also abdominal hysterectomy. In vaginal hysterectomy, the cervix and the uterus were removed together as the patient had uterine prolapse. In abdominal hysterectomy, only the uterus was removed as it was enlarged til the size of 12-16weeks pregnant due to presence of big fibroids.
6) labour ward: very unlucky that day as there was no delivery... and i had my free time to do something else that day....

i think it's going to be the similar things this week. i will update new post if i would see anything more interesting...
and this is going to be the shortest clinical post compared to thers of my posts...

My first meditation experience in Swansea

I was invited to a meditation group by my colleague.
We found out both of us are Buddhist after working together for 3months.
They have meditation and dharma discussion in her house every thursday.
I was looking forward to go to this meditation as i was looking for a group of dharma pals in this land.
But i was quite scared as well coz i do not meditate for quite some time... (perhaps the last time was half a year ago)
And today, i was brought to her shrine hall. And Mel played the buddhist hymn from cd her player while waiting for her other meditation friends.
Mel (my colleague) introduced me to her other dharma friends., Owen and Jean. We chat for about fifteeen minutes.
Then Mel told me that they normally sit for 30min. it was quite long for me but i very pai seh to say i cant do it.
so......
i started to meditate with them, concentrate on my breathing....
as time goes by, my back started to ache....
my right leg started to feel numb...
i tilted a bit to change my position..
but it lasted a few minutes...
then i started to feel numb again...
i focus back to my breathing...
breathe in.... breathe out.....
and finally the bell rang and it was the end of the meditation.
i massaged my legs and make myself more comfortable in a sitting position.

i recalled a lot of moments that i spent in buddhist society...
after the meditation
i remember
my beloved dharma teacher, Bro Tan Ho Soon...
my beloved dharma senior, Miss Lee Xin Er...
my beloved president, Miss Ho Pei Jen
and the rest of my dhrarma pals,
eg: Ling Min, Jackie, Mok, Ei Leen, Hwee Hong, Kian Hwa, Yi Cheau, Kean Aun, Chun Wai, Si Wei..... ( i hope i did not miss anyone)
of course i woulndt forget the juniors...
Chun Loo and friends...

Happy hour passes very fast,
it's the time to say goodbye...

We spent 2hr sitting and talking in the shrine hall...
I really enjoyed the calm and peaceful moment with these foriegn dharma pals...
For the first time, i really feel that no matter what language you speak, what's your skin colour, what's your hair colour...
as long as we are the followers of the Buddha...
We are bound together...

Thanks, Mel
Thanks, the Lord Buddha

眼泪

词曲：黄国伦 原唱：范晓萱
青春若有张不老的脸 但愿她永远不被改变
许多梦想总编织太美 跟着迎接幻灭
爱上你是最快乐的事 却也换来最痛苦的悲
苦涩交错爱的甜美 我怎样都学不会
ha......
oh 眼泪 眼泪都是我的体会 成长的滋味
oh 眼泪 忍住眼泪不让你看见 我在改变
孤单的感觉 你从不曾发现 我笑中还有泪
oh 眼泪 眼泪流过无言的夜 心痛的滋味
oh 眼泪 擦干眼泪忘掉一切 曾有的眷恋
眼泪是苦 眼泪是伤悲 眼泪都是你
眼泪是甜 眼泪是昨天 眼泪不流泪

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYhF_VkzEFo

这首歌，与所有爱哭包共勉之。
只要是让你成长的眼泪，就痛痛快快让他流吧！

Mission Impossible: A walk along the beach 走在鹅海边

鹅海means swansea. i created it. i went for a walk last week. recorded a few video.
sorry to those who cant understand mandarin. i'll try my best to translate.
dun doubt your ears, it's my voice. i know it's sound very different. but it was me...
the wind was strong that day. sometimes got sand flew into my mouth, very difficult to talk.
i was introducing the bridge in the first video. the bridge had fallen long time ago and now became the road for car to pass.



i was a bit disappointed to look at the sea. it wasnt very nice that day, on the low tide.
just felt like singing a song that related to the sea at that moment.
the first sng came into my mind, 阿妹的听海。
“听~~海哭的声音。。。”
key有点起太高了,还好没破音。
but it was out of tune, super out of tune.
i am sorry to torture your ears.
i just think it was funny... singing while sand blowing into your mouth...
if this video makes you laugh, then i am happy even if you laugh at my
unbearable singing...


another song came into my mind...
the very popular one, even mus knew it...
the champion song for chinese song singing competition 2006 in imu
"你怎么舍得让我的泪。。。 流向海~~~”
i know i am not good at singing la...
but it was just fun...
if anyone saw me recording this video, they might have thought that i am mad.

tease me la,
criticize me la,
laugh at me la,
i know i am not good,
but at least i have the courage to make the first step,
even it's something silly to you,
it makes my life different from others...

hope u enjoy the video.
sorry again for my bad *infinity singing.
i wanst intend to prove that i can sing
i just want to tell you that i've achieved something impossible...

Jay Chou rocks!!!

Jay Chou was the greatest winner for Taiwan Golden Melody Award (something equivalent to Chinese Grammy award) 第19届台湾金曲奖,which was held on last Saturday 5/7/08.
Unfortunately he couldnt attend this award as it clashed with his concert in china.
The good news is he won 4 major awards out of 8 nominations.

最佳年度歌曲 《青花瓷》
The best song of the year Qing Hua Ci literally means Green Flower Vase
which was recoreded in his latest album: Jay Chou on the Run 周杰伦 牛仔很忙


最佳作曲人 《青花瓷》周杰伦
The best pop song composer Qing Hua Ci by Jay Chou



最佳作词人 《青花瓷》 方文山
This song QHC won the best lyric as well and it was written by Jay Chou good partner 方文山 Fang Wen Shan.


最佳专辑制作人 《不能说的秘密》 周杰伦
The best album producer Secret OST by Jay Chou



最佳作曲人 《不能说的秘密》 周杰伦
The best classical song producer Secret OST by Jay Chou



Hereby i attach a link to the music video for this great song: Qing Hua Ci
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMHuRzqfmgg

And also the lyric by Fang Wen Shan
素胚勾勒出青花笔锋浓转淡
瓶身描绘的牡丹一如你初妆
冉冉檀香透过窗心事我了然
宣纸上 走笔至此搁一半

釉色渲染仕女图韵味被私藏
而你嫣然的一笑如含苞待放
你的美一缕飘散 去到我去不了的地方

天青色等烟雨 而我在等你
炊烟袅袅升起 隔江千万里
在瓶底书汉隶仿前朝的飘逸
就当我 为遇见你伏笔

天青色等烟雨 而我在等你
月色被打捞起 晕开了结局
如传世的青花瓷自顾自美丽 你眼带笑意

色白花青的锦鲤跃然於碗底
临摹宋体落款时却惦记著你
你隐藏在窑烧里千年的秘密
极细腻 犹如绣花针落地
帘外芭蕉惹骤雨 门环惹铜绿
而我路过那江南小镇惹了你
在泼墨山水画里 你从墨色深处被隐去

天青色等烟雨 而我在等你
炊烟袅袅升起 隔江千万里
在瓶底书汉隶仿前朝的飘逸
就当我 为遇见你伏笔

天青色等烟雨 而我在等你
月色被打捞起 晕开了结局
如传世的青花瓷自顾自美丽 你眼带笑意

special thanks to Miss Tomboy Tan who provided me first hand result of the award.

My birthday wishes are flying back to malaysia....

first of all, i would like to thank all my friends & family that wish me happy birthday....
through msn, email, phone call, leaving comments in my blog, and most importantly sending me birthday cards...
next i would like to apologize to those who posted the bday cards for me....
i just went to the accommodation office to collect them and...
i was told that
"all mails have sent back to the senders....."
OMG!!! my heart was frozen at that moment...
meaning that i wont be able to get my birthday wishes....
it might not get back to the sender....

who shall blame for?
blame for ppl to post it late?
(of course not, they've put in so much effort!)
blame myself for checking it late?
(i checked it last week, no mail for me yet...)
blame the staffs for not keeping my letter?
(summer break has started, all students had gone home, they have no reason to keep the letters)

i feel so bad now... wanted to cry but no tears come out coz it was already frozen....

1hr 48min 的电话粥

原来讲这么久的电话会。。。
让耳朵与电话变得很烧
让电话差一点没电
让人兴奋过头睡不着（因为是一通半夜煲的粥）
让人隔天醒来超没精神（因为睡眠不足）

没什么重点的一通电话，除了那一句“生日快乐”。
互相寒暄温暖一番，在聊一些生活上的琐碎事，分享些对人事物的观点。。。
原来年轻人就是把青春浪费在这种事情上。

但。。。就是很爽

除了写作让我疯了，原来讲电话也让我疯了。

我当医学生的“医”点“医”滴

我的“医”意孤行
从小立志当医生，中途虽然曾经动摇过（我曾梦想过当新闻主播）。
到最后，付出了十三年的努力，拚了老命的读书，以考进医学系为目标。
家人曾经劝我选择别条路，因为毕竟对他们来说，经济方面会有些吃力。
可是一意孤行的我，从没放弃过（或许说天真的我，从没认真考虑过学费的事），只知道把书读好， 认真地上课考试。
幸运的我， 竟然意外的得到政府奖学金，让我有机会梦想成真。
（真的不知道踩了什么狗屎运，因为我不是最top的学生。但我真的很努力。。。）
就像唱阿杜的歌那样，坚持到底，如今，我已经是大三的医学生。

对医学知识的“医”知半解
还是学生的我，每每碰到经验老道的医师前辈，都觉得自己知道与了解的都只是冰山一角。
老实说，对医学知识的贫乏和一知半解，是不够格当医生的。
因为病人的生命在你手上，你必须完全的掌握医学知识，为他们提供最完善的治疗方法。
那样，才够格被人称呼为高人“医”等的doctor。
这个level, 是我的目标，冲吧，希望若干年后，能听到我的病人向我道谢，说一声：“Thank you, Dr Tan."

不经“医”事；不长“医”智。
经验对一个医生来说是非常重要的。
当junior的我们，常常就得向前辈偷师。因为他们吃盐还多国我们吃米呢！
尤其在看诊的时候，年轻的医生很可能断错诊。
就算诊断无误，也有可能开错药方。
用药不当，解药分分钟可能成为毒药阿！
切记！切记！

不可能的“医”刀两断
从没想过当外科医生，更没想过握手术刀。
因为这不是我的那一杯茶。
菜刀都不怎么会握了，更何况是手术刀，绝不能拿病人来开玩笑阿！
或许受了日剧白色剧塔的影响，对外科医生没什么好感。
但无可否认，动手术是医学里不可或缺的治疗方法。

第一次的“医”针见血
在这次的实习中，小妹三生有幸的第一次为病人抽血。
当时的心情，真的是既期待（我超期待的），又怕受伤害（怕病人受伤害）。
结果。。。 只能说是半成功啊
因为我把针插进了血管，但血刚流出来就凝固在tube内，无法取得血液样本。
真是不好意思，还好那位病人大人有大量，不记我这个小人过。

外国留学的“医”路顺风
再过两个月，我就正式在曼联继续我的医学生涯。
还有三年，我就能正式毕业，成为一位合格的医生，为民服务。
当然，这条路不可能一帆风顺。
人生就自然是有起有落，没有哪一些低潮，怎能衬托人生巅峰的美好呢？

对家人无私地给予精神上的支持，我非常感恩。
对朋友无悔地付出，关怀与陪伴， 我非常感恩。
对老师无怨地循循善诱与教诲，我非常感恩。
对纳税人无奈地把钱投资在我身上，我非常感恩。
不管你在我生命中扮演什么角色，因为有你们，才有今天的我。
感恩。

Window shopping in Swansea on 28062008

Sat morning, i spent some time in Swansea before going back to my uncle's house.
From the bus station, i walked to the train station. On the way, saw a lot of shop houses.

British Heart Foundation - it sells shirts, shoes, bags... to raise fund for the BHF.
i like their logo, looks like an ECG wave, but with a heart shape... very special...

99p stores - everything under a pound.
the place where i bought my cheap umbrella and children beach sandal.

sports world - always got sales, they sell sport products eg: jersey, sport shoe...
the place where i bought my sport shoe and nike cap.
those sportsmen and sportswomen will definitely like here. they always have sales from 10-70% off.

Marks & Spencer - it sells trendy, fashion, tops and pants...
but i think only the working ppl can afford to buy things here coz they are quite ex..

Lloyds TSB - My bank. I opened the account in the university branch, not the city centre branch. I have heard stories of difficulty in opening an account as international student. i felt lucky to open it in the university branch as less procedure was needed.

COSTA - the coffee that u can find anywhere in UK
COSTA in UK= starbucks + coffee bean + kopitiam in malaysia
you'll see a costa coffee house in every station of their service centres along the motorway (just like our rehat in the highway)

Thomas Cook - i thought it was a cooking school when i look at the name
actually it was a travel agency

Orange - the phone line company. so far, the ppl i met are orange users in UK.
it's like maxis in msia, but then they sell very cheap phones in package with their sim cards.


Amateur1 on the street- playing some old songs with the guitar

Amateur2 with his dog. Look at the balloons behind him. Wah, i hope i could get one...

Look at this bus/lorry. it belongs to a yogurt company. they set up a tent from this vehicle to promote their products. i think it's very creative to just pull out the tent from the bus/lorry.

Wah~~ hundreds of teddy bears... very cute lei, they were displayed by a teddy shop.


Guess what is this? they are colurful, natural, organic soaps.... Looks very delicious!!!
But they are not edible...


The pigeons on the street is just like seeing sparrows in msia.

The black taxis in uk. I think they look like those cars that carry coffin. Touch wood....

No more pics liao coz my digicam ran out of battery.
But then i went to argos to lok at the furniture. i met an indian old man while flipping thru argo's catalogue. they have two, one thin one thick. the indian man asked me a question.
IM: any bad~~?
JJ: sorry?
IM: got bad~~(pointing onto the new catalogue that i was holding)
JJ: ( i thought he was saying...) not bad? very good?
IM: no... bad-do~~
JJ: oh, this one better? ( i was pointing to the old catalogue and guessing what he meant?)
IM: no~~ no~~ bad.. bad-do~
i totally have no idea on what he was saying, i continue to flip on the catalogue. finally the indian man saw what he wanted and pointed to me. it was a BED....
HE WANTED TO KNOW DOES THE CATALOGUE SHOWS ANY BED.....
super sweat ah... after struggling for so long, i finally knew what he meant.

i came out from argos after clearing my doubt with this indian old man, continue my journey to the train station, took the train back to my uncle's house.

Happy birthday to Tan Jane June

This post was copied from my beloved xiao dee's blog.

Word in red are his writings
and words in black and bold are my writing

Happy Birthday to my beloved sis

happened to be one day...
a pregnant lady suddenly felt that her baby was moving...
but not like how it usually happened..
this time, the baby was trying to make her way out...
to know the world, to see the world after being enclosed in darkness for about 10 months..
but then the lady looked at the calender, it was just 30th june...
the doctor told her that her baby will only be delivered around july..
nonetheless, she got to the hospital...
and, after several tries.. the doctor decided to do the surgery, to 'take' the baby out...
(my mum was telling me that my buttock was at the bottom, unlike normal babies, they have the head at the bottom. the doctor tried to correct my position so that my mum can deliver normally. however, he failed to do so. they had to send my mum to do cesarean section as the amnion was burst.)
yeah, no one knows she was so eager to come out, perhaps in the surgery room instead of normal ward?
(xiao dee, the place to have an opeartion is called the theatre.)
the lady's husband signed the agreement, and without wasting any time, the lady was sent to the surgery room and successfully, the girl was delivered..
on the day of 30th June 1985...
(at 5.30pm in the afternoon, to be exact, my mum was sent to the hospital on 30th june early morning)
and yes, this is the first baby of the lady and her husband...
and due to the fact the baby came out so unexpectedly.. on the last day of june..
the girl was named June...
(good thing i wasnt born in july, i might be named July for that reason. @=@)
Tan Jane June will be the full name for her, following her till now for 23 years already...
(this name is gong to follow me for the rest of my life)

in this 23 years, this baby, has grown into a girl, and now a mature lady that is striving for her dream..
to be a doctor..
(to be more accurate, i want to be a paediatrician)
doing very well for her kindergarten..
(i was struggling in kindergarten as i went to an english kindergarten and was switched to a chinese one when we moved to PD from Klang. I didnt not know how to write Chinese at that time)
enroll in SRJK (C) Chung Hua Port Dickson...
being an excellent and cherry primary student before going to Port Dickson High School.
(the proudest time of my life was in primary3, being the only representative to go for story telling competition in Malay, English and Chinese. partly because nobody from my class would like to go. since then, i have very strong interest in talking and telling stories)
(next, my primary6 life was superb. i represented my school for the state level in a lot of competitions, eg: essay writing, public speaking, drawing competitions... i nearly became the role model student that year. but i was lost to one of my good friend with the score diffirence of 0.4)
Taking the 7A result, the girl went to STPD and make her peak success of her early year, by being the best student during her form2.
Though the 7A1B result of her SPM seemed to be a blocking stone for her future, instead, it has become her stepping stone..
(xiaodee, is PMR result, not SPM. u would nvr know what did i get for B... it was a shame to be i got B for chinese but i nvr retreat and still taking chinese in SPM. felt very sorry to my parents as they took my result for me. i went to a training camp that time)
a driving motivation originated from the dissatisfying result, has opened a bright way for her..
scoring a historical 11A1 1A2 result at STPD for her SPM, she managed to become the ever honourable JPA scholar, and yes, the respectable JPA medicine scholar..
she is on the right track to pursue her dream, becoming a doctor...
(a difficult track though...)

spending 2 years at Intec, getting 3A for her London A-Level and gets into IMU (International Medical University), Bukit Jalil and has always been scoring very well results for her subjects..
notable one includes a 6 A streaks for her semester exam... and only a few B includes in her exams/tests for the time she spent in IMU, clocked at 2.5 years...
(xiao dee, must be humble.. too many people did better than me lei.... i was a little bit shy to admit my achievements... be humble.. be humble...)

and yes, she got a break since last year december...
(super long break until i got poisoned by one million star, hong kong tvb drama, korean drama series and the sleeping bug...)
(i was now cleared from the sleeping poison but then still very addicted to one million star)
but then, she was a great person, has flew to UK to follow her uncle for posting..
to learn on herself, the clinical skills etc. and further discover herself...
she flew to UK during March, and is doing very fine...
(not very fine all the time. got ups and downs. but i guess, that's how life is...)
During September 2008, she will be in Machester...
(xiaodee, another error: Manchester)
studying in the World top30 university - the University of Manchester for her final few years of clinical skill for her Medicine course...

"She is my proud" -- June's mum..
(aka Mrs Tan:你是我的骄傲）
(yes, got grammar error.. should be pride.. but is her mum said in english de, not a translate one, so remain as it is)


and of course, not to forget...
Happy Birthday to Miss Tan Jane June..
(祝我生日快乐)
the girl that is going to spend her 23rd birthday first time outside of Malaysia, first time without us around!
(精神上在一起就够了）
yeah, all the best to you, sis...
you are mama's proud, you are my pride too.. haha..

"when dream is closing, you'll be lost." -- yoga (One Million Star first season winner)

but then, you will find your way back...
(ya, i will find my way back.)

Yes, there were times, Im sure you know
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall
And did it my way

back on track, to be the ever best sis i could have...

SALUTE!!!
(last but not least, thank you for this special post.
i love it...)